Henry Alexander

So I busted out the old SNES for some good, clean, old fashioned fun tonight, and I had a very deep revelation…

Mario… What the fuck are you doing?  

I mean seriously, this guy has faced just about every type of bad guy imaginible, from football kicking goons, to enormous sentient pillars of fire,for one princess who has nothing better to do than go get kidnapped like every other day.  You’d think that bitch would’ve invested in some home security by now, or maybe hired like a litlte toad millitia… It’s not like bowser is exactly hard to see…

So the big M man goes through all this trouble in every adventure, and I’ve finally started to ask myself why…  I mean I always thought it was going to be one of those things “you’d understand when you’re older”  But nas bro, this shit still dont make sense.  I mean this Princess Peach Toadstool must make some pretty good fucking lasagna for Mario to put up with this shit on any kind of regular basis…Either that or her vagina tastes like Filet Mignon stuffed with 100 dollar bills and coated with the essence of pure happiness…  Her lower region better get full HD reception AND center ice package AND better be poopin out 1ups like nobodys business for that shit to be worth the constant assult of flying turtles and walking cacti….  

But for some reason, I don’t think that is the case, and this is where I had my huge revelation.   The reason all of my friends and I are whipped at all times, is because the hero we all grew up on is the biggest puss bag in the entire Kingdoms (both mushroom and  the united kingdom of america).  I’ve done my fair share of ridiculous shit for girls, but I’m pretty sure I havnt wasted years jumping around a world with no strip clubs and crawling through sewer pipes… C’mon Mario..

And don’t even get me started on Luigi…